I’ll admit, I’ve never actually watched Ted Lasso, nor do I even really know what it’s about. Soccer? Anyways this short few moments from the first season shows up in my algorithm every now and then, probably because it sucks me in every time. Jason Sudeikis is playing darts, and hustling someone quite honestly, but I respect when the underdog gets a win so we’ll ignore ethics for now.

While he plays darts he talks about a quote he saw from Walt Whitman that said “Be curious, Not judgmental.”. Since I try to be boldly honest in my writing, before this I’d never heard of Walt Whitman. He was an American poet and essayist. Maybe some day that’s what I’ll be remembered as. I’m not familiar with any of his work but this quote really reminds me of 7th grade.

In 7th grade it was my first year at a new school, in a new town, surrounded by new people. I had long hair, really long hair, and I dressed like a typical skater teenager, or so I thought. Coming to this school I was really one of one, or so it felt. My first day I wish I could count how many times I was asked if I was a girl or a boy, thinking about this now makes me laugh. If you’re a boy why is your hair so long? if you’re a boy why are your pants so tight? See it wasn’t amusing then, every day I’d go to school and be harassed with these questions, every day I’d go home and play xbox alone, I didn’t have any friends, and it didn’t seem like I’d be making any soon.

As a child you’re naturally curious. It’s why kids get hurt so often, exploring the boundaries life has to offer. So how come no one was curious about me? Why do you like having long hair? Why do you like wearing tight pants? Instead it was “if you wear tight pants you must have a small dick” Ask your mother is what my response should have been then, it’s almost certainly what I’d say now. I didn’t realize it then but I’ve always been curious about fashion, about most things. Back then hipsters were kids who started wearing tight pants just like me, the only difference is I paired then with vans and they paired them with fancy shoes that made them walk funny to avoid creasing them. Who gives a shit about a crease on a shoe? Instead of saying that I tried to understand why they liked it. Ultimately I stuck to what I knew and they explored what they knew.

No one was curious in 7th grade but as time went on every dude I knew wore pants just a little tighter each year. Suddenly no one was making fun of anyone else, suddenly no one commented on my pants.

I think people are often judgmental out of insecurities. By being judgmental you’re only creating more insecurities for the people upon which you judge. I think as I get older, and my insecurities lessen, I too find myself more curious and less judgmental. There are still times I push what would be acceptable fashion to the masses, hell I have a pair of leopard print Celine boots in my closet, possibly my favorite boots I own. Sure they look like women’s boots, sure I’ve gotten some off color comments about them, but I was curious if they’d work with outfits I wear, turns out they do.

As society evolves it seems easier and easier to find the people who are judgmental not curious, they’re usually posting about what it means to be a man or how a man can’t become a women. It’s the same people that can’t mind their business and allow people to be different, it’s the same people who asked me if I was a girl in 7th grade. It’s funny too, these hateful people will call people who are more open minded or lean left in politics “sheep”. Sheep are naturally nervous, wouldn’t the real sheep be the people who try to blend in? Who are afraid of being different?

This quote all ties in to something that happened to be earlier this year, a moment of what I’d call “unreasonable hospitality” because of the book I read that inspired me to do it. I was working the bar and had to take a table, we were short on servers. As I cleared share plates and silverware to reset the four top for their entrees I over heard one of them say they didn’t buy a shirt they liked because they were worried what people at school would say. I said they very specifically throughout that sentence. I’m not sure of their preferred pronouns so I’ll continue to use neutral ones in the story.

When I went back over to check in their mom pulled me aside and was chatting about the restaurant and how great the service was. I paused and I said I’m sorry I know this is unprofessional but I overheard you not buying the shirt you wanted because of what other people might say, if it makes you happen it doesn’t matter what others say, it’s your choice, you should buy the shirt. The mom became a bit emotional and thanked me a million times, that was never my intention.

I fear if we continue in a world of judgment rather than curiosity, we’ll continue to dull the light a lot of people have to offer.

That was one of two times I experienced moments of curiosity rather than judgment and was proud I caught it. The other was on a day after work in the copley mall. I went into the Saint Laurent store. Listen I grew up really poor, I had recently put my dog down, my fiancé left me, I sold my house. Sometimes retail therapy helps and I’d never been able to afford anything from those stores. I bought a hoodie. I’ll be honest and say I didn’t look at the tag and if the sales women wasn’t unbelievably, when she scanned the tag I would have told her to take a hike and left. It’s the most expensive piece of clothing I own. I had a moment of ego for someone I’ll never see again.

I left that store muttering what an idiot I was and a city teenager came up to me, I was immediately annoyed because I was in my own world with my own shit going on. He said he’d been selling candy all day and needed to sell $250 worth of candy more to be able to leave for the day. I looked down at the 3 or so candy bars he had left. I said that’s not worth $250. He agreed. I said so make a deal with me, you’re raising money for football, whatever you enjoy in life, whatever brings you happiness, always chase it regardless of what others think or say, if you make me that promise I’ll give you $250 and you can go home. He said deal and tried to give me the candy. I told him to keep it and remember what I said. He hugged me, in front of his friends who probably made fun of him after.

I hope through my life I’ve spread more curiosity than judgment.

From this point on I promise to spread more curiosity than judgment.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.