Could you be? A little less sour, we’re rotting by the hour and my heart’s rotten too. In every film I watch, I’m on the side of the bad guy. So turn around and show me that I’m better. Some people got an apple. Some people got a tangerine. Looking around and all I see is people happy with what they’re given. Life is pretty sweet, I’m told. I guess I’m just shit out of luck, growing a lemon tree. I’m gonna burn it today, and grow something better.

For those that don’t know, a “lemon” is something defective, or imperfect. A car that breaks down often or quickly? A lemon. It’s a common term for guitars, as no two guitars sound the same. Sometimes I feel like my life is a lemon, like it’s defective. I guess imperfect would be a bad description because every life is imperfect. Life isn’t meant to be perfect, it never will be. I guess a life could be perfect for you, but not perfect in general. I look around and I can see some people have a better life than me. Comparison is a dangerous thing though. Comparison leads to intrusive thoughts that just aren’t being honest with you. Someone else’s life can’t be better than yours, and I’m sure if you said someones life is better, they’re going through shit you couldn’t imagine.

Maybe I’m not shit out of luck though. Maybe we can make a conscious effort and change our lives. “Grow something better” could just mean whatever you lack in life you should change. Of course we can’t change everything we lack in life. However if you can change something you lack, do it. Grow something better. Grow an apple or a tangerine.

I actually do often relate to the bad guy in anything I watch. Does that make me a bad guy? Does that mean my heart is rotten? Or does it mean I hate the systems that exist in society? I think everyone wants to see themselves as a hero, but I’ve never had that feeling about myself. I don’t think my values or morals make me better than anyone else. Hell I’ve done things I don’t agree with, things I shouldn’t have done. Things I knew in the moment I shouldn’t have done but I did it anyways. Also have been plenty of moments where I know I should be doing and I’m not doing it.

Arguably I’m having a moment right now where I should be doing something that I’m not, however there are plenty of factors that play into that. My best pal is getting married today. Should I be there? Yes. Why am I not? Wellllllll, I haven’t left the house in almost 100 days because of anxiety, but there was a lot of anxiety around going too. I dropped out of high school junior year, let’s just say I’m not on the best terms with the people I went to school with. Where does that leave me? Uncomfortable with the idea of going, I was always sort of on the outsides of the group. Something that doesn’t bother me know, it did then though. My life in high school was a fucking lemon if there’s ever been one. To be fair a big part of it was my teenage angst. How are you not supposed to be a miserable asshole when your parents abandoned you and you’re going through puberty and everything else.

I don’t really talk to anyone I went to school with, and honestly some days it bothers me. It’s always felt like a lot of them thought they were better than me. Maybe they did. Maybe that’s my own insecurities showing through. I guess either way it isn’t important. I wish them all well at the end of the day regardless of how they feel about me. Hopefully some day I won’t allow anxiety to make my decisions for me. Some day I won’t be growing a lemon tree. I’ll burn it down and grow something better.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.