I didn’t think it would be this lonely, but now I feel it deep in my guts. Oh, maybe I didn’t care enough for you, But darlin’, love ain’t temporary. I’m gonna do some transforming, and you won’t recognize me, and we’ll be sailing along.

I know we’re just searching for redemption, terrified of fucking things up.

In the wake of my “O’ Sister” post I sent some apologies to some people I think I really wronged at that time in my life. Overall I have to be honest, I’m not sure what I expected as a response. Imagine someone was a fucking asshole to you a decade ago and messaged you to say, hey my bad about that, I took my trauma out on you. I’d probably tell that person to kiss my ass. I wouldn’t, but I’d want to for sure.

Regrets are a natural part of life, we all have moments when we wish we had done better. Especially when it comes to how we treat others. It’s human nature to make mistakes.

How many times have you wished you’d expressed your feelings more clearly or told someone just how much they mean to you? Our biggest regrets are often when we missed the chance to say what’s in our hearts. The weight of unspoken words can be the heaviest.

Sometimes the person we wished we’d done better by is ourselves. To some degree I feel that. To some degree I wish I gave myself the grace to heal and recognize poor choices then. Maybe then I wouldn’t have such overwhelming regret with the way I handled life from freshman year to the age of 19.

In the search for redemption it’s important to remember that forgiveness from yourself is just as important as forgiveness from others.

I think the hard part for me about redemption is actions speak louder than words. We’re talking about 10 years of wasted time. I don’t get the opportunity to show these people I’ve changed as we’re not in one another’s lives anymore. I don’t get to rebuild trust. It’s too late.

For the rest of my life I may be stuck with what could have beens. Hopefully that’s a feeling the people I have wronged are not also stuck with. I’d never want someone to be stuck with that feeling on my account.

How do you get rid of loneliness you caused?

How do you get forgiveness you yourself aren’t sure you deserve?

Will there ever be redemption?

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.