What if we never met? Where would I be right now? Funny how life just falls in place somehow. You touched my heart in places that I never even know. Nobody loves me like you do. This blog is probably going to take an unexpected turn or two. My brother came over for dinner tonight. Him, my sister, and myself hung out and then my sister started playing old tunes. She asked me to call my parents and ask what their wedding song was, even though she then argued with me that what they said was a lie. Anyways my mom said the song was “Nobody Loves Me Like You Do” by the late great Whitney Houston. My sister argued it wasn’t a real song because she couldn’t find it on Spotify. Not only is it a real song, it’s on spotify. That’s really not the point. A moment into the song she cries how she loves this song and my parents weren’t that cool.

Look my parents are no saints. Some days I wonder if I hate them. At the end of the day I think I pity them too much to hate them. Or let me say have too much empathy because in a lot of ways that’s what it is. The boomer generation STINKS. My parents are much a part of that, and they’ve made mistakes in life. We’ve all made mistakes. Maybe not this big but who’s measuring? When I was 7 or 8, whatever age you are in 5th grade or so, my parents became severely addicted to drugs. I’m not talking about the occasional Xanax to take the edge off. They were fully addicted to heroin. Now when I say it was 5th grade to some degree I’m lying. By fifth grade I remember a day when my dad was taking me to school, we were both on bikes. Drug addicts in the mid 2000’s didn’t have vehicles it turns out. I knew how to get to school but I was a young lad, I felt safer with my dad riding along. I fucking hated riding my bike to school but I did it because it was the option. At this point they had lost the house we were bouncing around a bit. ANYWAYS, my dad told me to keep riding and he’d catch up. I didn’t know what he was doing but I did know enough to know it was bad. I did as my dad told me, he’s a bit neurotic and I used to be afraid of him as a kid because he has real bad anger issues. So I kept riding, talking to myself, a nervous little shit headed to school. I soon found out my dad left me to ride my bike alone across the city, 2.8 miles according to google. He did that so he could steal from someone and buy drugs. Don’t get my wrong I have some respect for people who bend the rules to feed their families, not their habits.

I apologize for the above paragraph, I got lost in a flash back. Back to tonight. I didn’t understand what my sisters point was. That’s what my mom said was the wedding song, why would she lie? My sister hasn’t talked to my parents in a while, review above information and use your imagination as to why. She also said something the other day like “I’ll probably never see them again.” Part of me believes that and it’s a bit sad. Anyways my sister was in a ripping mood tonight and went on about this song. Like she didn’t want this to be the song. It wouldn’t be my first choice for my parents.

My parents don’t have some really special fairytale love. The information is all over the place but to my understanding and some of what I’ve seen, my dad is an extremely controlling partner. It actually was how I was for a minute and then I went to the opposite side of the spectrum, Both blew up in my face and now I’m learning to be somewhere between the extremes, I’ll let you know when I get there. I’m pretty sure I’m there, more than anything I want respect and honesty. Give me those and do as you wise, I’ll do the same. Anyways my parents relationship is the definition of toxic. Mom, Dad, if you ever see this I love you but you simply aren’t good together. So I can see why my sister would be bugged about this for a wedding song. It simply wouldn’t be true.

Then I paused and thought two things. 1. I have a blog idea. 2. Does anyone in this family love each other in a way no one else does? The first thought is coming to fruition as we speak. The second thought? I’m not sure any of my family loves each other the way they say. I’m not upset about that because I’ve been being lied to as long as I can remember, it was just an interesting thought. It really only leaves me with one other thought and it’s a thought I’ll leave you all with. Feel free to reach out and answer the question if you’d like, I’d love to hear others thoughts on it.

Do you feel like anyone loves you in a way that nobody else does? Truly?

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.