Back at the beginning, older than before. Wish I could remember the girl who I adored. I don’t know where she’s hidden. Running by the water, sun burning my skin. Gotta keep on moving before it all sinks in. How is he getting through it? I’ve listened to this song more times today than I care to admit. Not to live in the past, but a year ago today my ex told me she decided she didn’t want to marry me. Listening to this song made me really think. “Because if I don’t know, then I don’t have to feel it.” That’s how I got here, where I am at this very moment. This song hits a lot of what I’m feeling the last couple days. As I sit here today I feel like I’m at the beginning. The beginning of what?

My new season in life. As the anxiety lifts like a dissipating fog I feel myself coming to. As if I’ve been under anesthesia for the last 93 days of being stuck in the house. While I start this new season I am older than before, next month I’ll be another year older. Maybe not another year wiser though. What new knowledge do I have as I arrive back at the beginning, only older? Exercise is important. Being kind is important. Understanding that everyone has an opinion and whether you like it or not they’re entitled to it. Maybe most important, be honest. That last one a friend told me and they make a good point. Going back a year honesty probably would have helped me and people I love be let down a little easier.

The last thing you want to do while going through a period of grief, whether from death, a relationship or otherwise is keep moving before it sinks in. That’s what I did and boy do I regret it every day. In the last year there have been two big things I moved through before they sank in and guess what? They caught up to me. First is the end of the longest relationship I’ve ever had. While that wouldn’t seem like a huge deal to most, I’ve never really had stability in life so it was scary for me. I didn’t handle it well, who does when they’re actively going through it? Hindsight is 20/20 or whatever. By handling it the way I did I hurt the people around me, and I hurt myself much more than necessary, physically and emotionally. My ex went on a trip, a trip I should have been on but allowed fear to control it. She learned on that trip that maybe the grass is greener on the other side after all. I don’t blame her one bit. If I was her I’d like to say I wouldn’t have done the same thing, but we only get one chance at life. If you think there’s something better out there; Go fucking get it.

How is he getting through? During that time he was getting through being suicidal and using cutting himself as a cure to relieve overwhelming emotions. He is me by the way in case you lost track. I wanted to end my life, I didn’t see a point anymore. Again hindsight being as good as it is I would have done so many things different. I would have realized no person is worth losing yourself over, unless it’s to actually save their life and even then it’s iffy. I would have realized that life is made up of chapters, some longer than others just like these blogs I write now. And that chapter had run its course and I would have focused on what the new chapter was. Instead I obsessed over her social media seeing who she was with what she was doing like it mattered. Like it was gonna save me from myself or make me feel any better. I became a fucking shell of a person. Going to work and going home. Oversleeping. Not eating. Doing a terrible job of taking care of my dog I would a couple months later find out had cancer. In a lot of ways I feel like I failed her by acting the way I did during that time. Truth is if she could talk I’m sure she would have been understanding. My life almost ended last October and I’m so grateful it didn’t. I don’t say that exaggerating. October 25th 2022 I tied an extension cord to a joist in the basement of the house I owned. I was tired. I had enough. I stood on a bucket under that extension cord crying for what felt like forever. Then my dog barked so I ran upstairs to make sure she was ok. She was barking at the basement door like she knew what was going on.

When I realized I still had this beautiful little thing to take care of, I posted to instagram asking for a recommendation of a Jiu Jitsu place, Something I’d always wanted to do ever since some asshole choked me unconscious and I felt defenseless in life, like a pussy. Someone responded and that response may be the thing that saved my life. I was able to go to a trial class that very evening. I showed up terrified, intimidated. I’ve always associated gyms with guys bigger and stronger than me, the type of people I got made fun of by in school. This was different. I walked in and “MauMau” the owner and instructor came up to me shook my hand and gave me a hug. He gave me a gi to wear for the first class, a class he gives for free to allow people to make sure they like it. An hour later I nearly collapsed in his arms giving him a hug because of the relieve I felt. For the first time in 3 weeks I felt ok, like I could make it. I signed up then and there and began training. While I haven’t trained in several months do to work and making excuses. It will be the first place I go when I feel comfortable leaving the house again. When training consistently I felt the best I ever felt. I was glad I didn’t give up.

Today I sit here on what I thought would be a hard day feeling like the luckiest person on the planet. While I write this and cry(a lot), it’s tears of happiness. It’s grateful tears. The last year despite the last 90 days being hard has been one of the best of my life. I met some of the most amazing people this world has to offer, Looking at you KD. Pals I hope to know for the rest of my life time. Grateful that while I won’t see it in person, I’m still here to see pictures of my best friend get married.

And that’s what sparked this blog. My best friend is getting married and tonight is her rehearsal. The look in her eyes in photos made me realize I wasn’t supposed to get married last year. My ex didn’t have that same look as we neared the day we were supposed to say “I do”. I guess life works out exactly how it’s supposed to after all. Here’s to being back at the beginning, older than before.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.