I know exactly who you could be. Just hold on, we’re going home. Interesting choice of song right? I thought so. I’m pretty sure Alexisonfire did like a bridge cover of this at Riot Fest in Toronto in 2015. Times were easier then. Anyways I know this is maybe 3 days in a row of blogs, I haven’t decided a schedule, or if there should even be one yet. Right now I just write when I have thoughts I want to let out, Thoughts I hope can resonate with other people, in some way or another. Tonights thought? I know exactly who you could be. Let me rephrase, I know exactly who I could be. The going home part signifies me leaving this well of worry and despair I’ve been in the last 90 or so days.

Today when I woke up something felt different. I’m not sure what it was, I felt different. Today wasn’t like any day I’ve had in at least a couple months, and I think it’s a sign. I think today I started to scratch and claw my way out of this well, this pit I’ve been in. I woke up, I chopped wood, I went for a run, I did a cold plunge, cooked dinner, And even did a second work out. Who is he? He’s tired of what life has been. He’s tired of being counted out because of anxiety or panic. All the opposite action I did today felt empowering. When I got in the cold plunge about 30 seconds in my brain told me to get out. I stayed another 2 minutes 30 seconds. When I was running around the 10 minute mark my brain told me to stop. I went another 7 minutes. During my second workout my brain told me to quit at 5 minutes. I did 15.

If I can keep pushing myself and ignoring that voice in my head I know exactly who I can be, and there’s no stopping that person. I wanna say I wish I started sooner, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is I started and I’m on the right path. I wish I could pin point exactly the change was. Maybe self harming for the first time in 302 days and losing my streak flipped a switch in my brain. Maybe that cut was the last one, the one that changes everything for me. I only say that because in the past self harming is what changed things for me. The only other thing I can think of is something my dad told me today. He said my panic attacks didn’t get bad until one night out with friends, Someone I thought was a friend came up behind me, choked me unconscious, and emptied my pockets. That was the scariest night I may have ever had and the first time I experienced derealization. I think I’ve carried that with my since. Hell it was one of the reasons I started Jiu Jitsu. I don’t want to walk around hurting people, but if someone tries to hurt me I wanna make them pay. That feeling comes from my teenage self who couldn’t defend himself. My teenage self that was helpless, defenseless, and scared shitless. To that kid I say: I know exactly who you could be. Just hold on we’re going home.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.