I wanna go to Magnolia Mountain and lay my weary head down. Down on the rocks, on the mountain my savior made. Steady my should and ease my worry. Hold me when I rattle like a hummingbird humming. I’m not sure what this song is about. I imagine it’s about disappearing to a place that you’re safe, a place where you no longer need to worry, you can just be. Today is a day I wish I could disappear, run from my worry. Find a place that worry doesn’t exist. To be in that place with the person who helps the worry not last, that safe being. I imagine everyone wishes for this place, right?

To me this place has always been California, which is strange because I’ve never been. There’s regularly times I imagine packing my things and leaving Massachusetts waving a giant middle finger at everything it is. Heading west, moving to Northern California. Somewhere between wine country and Mendocino. Close to the coast, but not far from the woods. I’d still do what I do here, hospitality. On days off I could hike the red wood forest with the next dog I get. Find the balance of everything I enjoy in life. I’d hate to be land locked even though I don’t swim, something about the cold ocean air. I’ve always had a thing for the woods and could picture having a cabin, snow falling, fireplace lit.

Maybe if I practice going to this place in my head my worry will begin to fade without being there. I’m not sure what stops me from going. Since I was a kid I’ve dreamed of living in California. Of course when I was a kid the only part of California I knew then was Los Angeles. Now I’m not sold on Los Angeles, though I hear it’s very inclusive. Boston has never felt inclusive to me, Probably because of its racist, homophobic past. I don’t have anything to worry about in those cases being a straight white male. However in the last year or so I have began to dress with a bit more ambiguity. So much so I’ve had my own family members ask if I’m gay. If wearing leopard print Celine boots makes you gay sign me up. I don’t fully believe in gendered clothing, though I do see styles a little more feminine than I prefer. What do I do or say about it? Fucking nothing. I guess this was a long winded way of saying with the exception of a handful of people, I hate it here and I want to leave. Fear is the only thing keeping me here, Fears day of reckoning is coming though. Fear won’t control me forever.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.

P.S. Sometimes I wanna sign this blog off “xoxo gossip girl”