I’m the darkest hour, just before the dawn. I’m slowly sinking into the slough of despond. I must admit in writing this I wasn’t sure what slough or despond meant, though I had a general idea because of how they are used in the song. Slough is a swamp. Despond is a state of unhappiness. I now realize that line fits better than I realized, I am sinking into a swamp of unhappiness. Of course the way Dallas wrote it in this song sounds much more poetic, a skill I long to have. Have you ever met someone you felt was almost the perfect person, maybe not to everyone but at least to you? Like this person is all things good and you are all things bad? Maybe this is a feeling not everyone to relate to. To those who can’t relate, I say rejoice in not knowing the feeling.

I guess I’ve always had a soft spot for this song because I know not feeling good enough all too well. The idea behind this song resonates so well because I’ve met people in life whoever made me feel all things good, But like I wasn’t enough for them, like they were all the good in everything and I was all the bad. I’m not sure where this idea of good enough comes from, but I’ve always had a problem with it. Is it a delusion? or an issue with self esteem? Maybe it’s a feeling that grows over time through experiences of people making you feel that way, or of reading too far into things.

I don’t remember the whole text, but when I started going through this period of increased anxiety in June, a special person said something to me that stuck. Of course the exact words didn’t stick because I have a terrible memory these days. Sometimes I wonder if it’s from medication or trauma. Anyways this person said perfect does not exist, That as I am I’m good enough for everything that is meant for me, that I need to stop the pressure of trying to be perfect because it’s simply an idea in my head, not the real world. Alas I’ve always been hard on myself to be better, as a person, at things I do. For me error means failure, if I make a mistake it means I’m failing and that’s where the feeling of not being good enough comes from. It also comes from childhood abandonment I think.

I tell myself that if I don’t make mistakes, if I do everything perfect, no one will leave me. I’ll be good enough for everyone, no one will ever be upset with me. The truth is none of that is accurate or even possible. If you’re bad at something someone will dislike you for it. If you dress a certain way someone will dislike you for it. And if you’re great at something, plenty of people will hate you for it. I’ve always carried this in my work and it makes me look arrogant, and like an asshole. The truth? I’m insecure about most things in life and my way of dealing with it is pushing myself past the point of comfort, into the darkness. I push myself to this place hoping people will consider me good enough, or accept me. The hardest part? Everyone around me could accept me or find me good enough. I’m not sure I’ll ever find myself good enough, because my brain works in “what if” scenarios. What if I did things different? What if I said something different? What would the outcome be? Would I be good enough? Good enough for who? I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for me.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.