And I feel so alone without you, I’m so alone out here. Here we enter the week where this time last year things got bad for me. I’m trying to find a positive spin on things, But sometimes I think I like to be a little sad. The saying get it off your chest is real, and I never do. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken words to someone of how I truly feel and let it all out. It’s probably why the weight feels so heavy around the anniversaries of hard times. It’s really weird what we as a society think success looks like and I guess I’ll go into deeper detail on all these miseries, hoping it either helps someone else, or helps me lay my head tonight.

I think I’ve always tended to lean towards the sadder side of things. I grew up around negative people, in a negative environment, so maybe I just tend to focus on the bad. I think this trait is what’s led me to enjoy sad music. Some sad music can really just make the sadness make sense, make you feel less alone. For me I have this sort of self sabotaging thing where I choose to be alone, even when I don’t want to be, even when I know it’s not good for me. Like I’m afraid sadness is contagious and I don’t want someone else to catch my bullshit. It doesn’t help anyone to not allow people to be there for you, but it’s what I’ve always chose. To deal with things alone, in the end it doesn’t work and I end up needing help just like everyone else.

This time last year life looks a lot different, I won’t say better because I’m not sure that’s true, just different. I had a fiancé, a stunning dog, and owned a home. It’s pretty intense how much can change in a year, and while I’m not where I want to be, I have to hope I’m where I’m supposed to be. I wasn’t a good partner around this time last year, I was distracted. When I go through periods of heavy anxiety I get distracted and sort of detach from those around me. I detach from the things that keep me grounded and then I wonder why I’m struggling. I’m not sure this blog has helped anyone else, but if nothing else it’s helping me spot my red flags, though my biggest is seeing them and not changing. I miss what my life was this time last year, But I’d be a fool to act like I don’t know where things went wrong. Was it a lack of maturity? Being selfish? Being Self Centered? Maybe all of them. I’ve always considered myself mature, at the end of the day that relationship ended because I was self centered and immature. The only thing I hope from it is to move on a better man, with more integrity, a word I’ve always despised.

As I said in the previous blog, each is named after a song and the first line or two are from the song. The same applies here. The difference? I only picked this song because I feel alone out here. Moving to Weymouth has taken a greater toll than I ever expected, and I think that’s exactly why I avoided it as long as I did, I knew what was coming, I had a gut feeling. And not long after moving here, the anxiety crept in, got worse, and made me fear leaving the house. Now 87 days later, I feel stuck and I feel alone. I feel trapped, like I don’t know how to get out, like I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I’ve forgot all my coping skills and I’m trapped here alone, not sure how to get past it. It’s becoming scarier each day as I fear each day I let the anxiety win is a day it gets stronger, and a day it has more power to beat me. This PTSD has a hold on me and I’m not sure how to get out of it. Do I wait until it loosens its grip and run? Run and never look back? Sometimes I feel like leaving Massachusetts would be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, like I could leave and become a new person, as if I’m on the run. The only thing I’m running from? Memories of the past, Having to continue to exist in a place that reminds me of such heartache, such hardship. If I run away I may be alone, But I could find a place I always promised Presley we would find before I found out she had cancer and passed away. A place…

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.