Yeah woman I, can’t feel a thing. What I’ve failed to mention in these blogs is most of the titles are names of songs, and the first line or two are from the song, this one included. Music has always been a way for me to express how I’m feeling, a way to connect with the emotions I feel. Tonight is no different, I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to write in this blog for hours. I changed one of my medications today, so the title describes a bit of how I’m feeling.

I alway psych myself out when I start a new medication, google side effects and try to freak myself out, that’s the anxiety I think. I’m actually experiencing anxiety right now the worst I have all day, and still through it I’m able to write and form thoughts, this is a sign that I’m beating it. I’m not beating it alone, I have the help of a medication I’ve always had negative feelings towards, and I never thought I’d be taking. Klonopin. I’m sure you’re thinking what I used to think, don’t people take that to get high? Turns out people actually take it to get low, and I’m taking it as a way out.

Klonopin is part of a family of medications called “benzodiazepines” known to most as “benzos”. A family of medication considered to be a depressant, that sedates you, relieves anxiety, and can help manage seizures. Ever heard of Xanax? it’s the most commonly prescribed benzo in the United States. While these medications work well, their side effects are fucking awful. Long term use can lead to dementia or Alzheimers, and they’re extremely addictive, sort of how I got here. Let me go on record as saying I have never abused any medication in my life, Xanax and klonopin included.

Back in 2020 I was going through another fit of agoraphobia in late summer and I wasn’t leaving the house, I was barely leaving the couch, that includes sleeping. My primary care doctor at the time prescribed me Xanax, and I was terrified to take it. I had always heard of kids taking it to get fucked up as a kid, even know people who have died from it, so how was this drug going to make me better? Turns out when taken as prescribed under medical supervision it’s great. In a very short time it was like the Xanax put my anxiety in a sleeper hold and squeezed, that anxious voice had suddenly disappeared and I felt calm, maybe for the first time ever.

Fast forward to late September 2023, I’ve been on various doses of Xanax nonstop since then which means two things. One: it’s becoming less effective at managing my anxiety(almost doesn’t do anything). Two: my brain and body have a chemical dependency. Tapering of benzos is hard and extremely dangerous. Sudden stoppage can lead to seizures and even death, the only other withdrawal that can kill you is alcohol. So under medical supervision I started the process of tapering off benzos today, this came to me and was my decision for a few reasons. With long term use comes higher chances of memory issues that I don’t want in my future, and Xanax isn’t helping me live my normal life so why waste my time and potentially health taking it?

Day one on klonopin has brought back a very familiar feeling, only this time I’m not so excited to be feeling it. I can feel the medication drowning out the anxiety even after less than 24 hours into it. My problem? I think it’s also putting a bit of a limit on the positive emotions I feel and I really don’t love that. Overall I feel ‘meh’. Sure I’m more relaxing and the anxiety is fleeting by the minute, But I don’t feel anything super positive, just stuck somewhere in the middle. Arguably this is a good sign and what normal feels like, after living in extremes for so long I’m not sure I like normal. Do I want crippling anxiety? No. Do I want overwhelming joy and positivity like the first time I took Xanax? Kinda. I guess the fact that I do feel sort of in the middle is probably a good sign, it’s just not one I’m used to.

These medication changes are always a huge toll on your health too, less appetite, more drowsiness. The whole process is daunting and it can take weeks or months to level out. In the meantime I guess I should take advantage of this lack of anxiety to work towards leaving the house. Is feeling numb and feeling normal the same thing?

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.